The Merc With A Mouth
by SeriouslyMysterious
Summary: After being turned to ash due to a massive explosion. Deadpool wakes up on the Citadel in a whole new alternate universe, and after doing petty mercenary/assassin work for months, Deadpool meets up with a man on a mission to save the galaxy from total annihilation.
1. The Merc

By the way yellow box is **Like This**

White box will be _ **like this.**_

Also, if you want to know what the box voices sound like in his head just watch or play the Deadpool video game and you'll know.

 _ **I do not own the characters or settings of Bioware and Marvel at all and I am only creating this story for entertainment purposes**_

 _ **DEADPOOL**_

"RUN!" I heard Shepard shout. I looked over and saw him giving orders to our gang of aliens the Purple Damsel in Distress, Scaly fuck, and Three-Eyes all running over to cover as a Reaper outside was heading towards our position to slam into us probably resulting in a bone-shattering death for everyone. But me.

Sure, I can feel pain, it sure does hurt quite a lot as well, but I would survive in the end. As for my gang not so much. I wish I could be just like them able to die at any moment I've lost track of how many times before I tried to commit suicide for no reason at all it kinda just happens out of the blue. If it weren't for that Thanos fucker... I thought staring up at the ceiling. Suddenly I escaped my emo thoughts and rushed towards Shepard.

I ripped off my teleportation device strapping it around Shepard and pressing the button on it to teleport him a safe distance away from the incoming mechanical crab. I'm usually a heartless bastard, and I wouldn't save anyone if I only knew them for a couple weeks or a month, but all of these people I had met in this new timeline had grown on me it was like I knew them since the day I was born.

If there was any way of me being able to break out of my psychotic attitude, and ways Shepard's gang is the way to go. As the reaper was coming towards me, I put my arms to my sides like a Jesus pose and said.

"God damn, I love tacos."

The reaper crashed into the Council Chambers, hitting only me and then everything faded to black.

* * *

 **Rewinding...**

* * *

Confusion. That was currently the thought of the man in the red suit with black armor strapped around him and a mask with black shapes surrounding his pure white eyes. He rented this apartment after all of a sudden waking up on the Citadel with his suit still on. All he could remember of the previous situation was a party on a yacht and then a massive explosion which caused him to wake up in a trashy alleyway.

Lady Death had awoken once again to place him into a complete different timeline. A timeline which would soon end if Commander Shepard did nothing to stop the impending doom from the highly advanced race known as the reapers.

After a day of comprehending what had happened to him while resting on his bed at his apartment, he put himself out on the Citadel asking if anyone needed his expertise because he needed credits and sure enough many times down the road he was getting asked for by people he didn't know daily.

A few months after the sudden timeline change he was hired for a bigger job by a person at C-Sec which is pretty much the Citadel's equivalent to police back on Earth.

The man who hired him was a turian named Garrus Valkarian. He was a rundown cop looking for a way to prove himself as a C-Sec Officer after severely slacking off on the job.

He had been hired to find and kill a man named Fist who was supposedly working with a rogue Spectre named Saren. He would also need to question the man before killing him about a certain Quarian. Garrus offered a large number of credits, if he was able to complete both of those tasks.

Deadpool obviously, agreed to the offer and started to work on finding Fist. He had absolutely no information on this man, so he was gonna have to make a phone call to one person everyone was talking about lately.

He got off his bed and went out of his bedroom door into the living room where he pulled up a contact listed as The Shadow Broker who supposedly knew everything about everyone.

* * *

 **A Few Minutes Later At Deadpool's Apartment,Cypher Towers Room 420...**

* * *

"So, you want to know where this Fist is hiding out hmm?" He said in a deep-toned voice.

"Yes, I wanna know where this fucker is so I can get my credits and buy me some fine weaponry," Deadpool said as he took a huge hit of his Vaporizer. **"Pfft yeah right, you'll probably end up spending all of it on a shit ton of drugs."**

"Uhh. Ok then if you want to know you'll have to pay me first."

"Ok, then how much is it Shadow Broker? Also, By the way, that's an impressive name you got right there you used to be in a ninja clan?"

"No, I wasn't in a ninja clan," He said irritated. "Your information is going to cost about 25,000 credits since the person you're trying to track is hidden away from the public eye."

"25,000? What kind of shit is that! He's an accomplice to one of the most known Spectre's in the galaxy the person who hired me told me that how in the fuck is he that hidden?!"

"Like I said he's hidden away from the public eye. Now are you going to pay me or what?"

"Arghhhh fine!" Deadpool said irritated. "Now let's see here..." He opened up his Omni Tool and brought up his currency it showed up precisely 25,000 credits.

"Just transfer over the credits, and I will send a message to your Omni Tool of his location."

"Fuck! Ok, I'm doing it" Deadpool transferred over the credits with the press of a button, and the Shadow Broker said, "Transaction completed."

"Thank you for your cooperation." The voice chat cut out and seconds later a message was sent to Deadpool's Omni Tool.

"The man named Fist is located in the lower section of the wards at Chora's den in the V.I.P only section." He steadily read the message then shut off his Omni Tool.

"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!"

Deadpool then picked up a shot glass sitting on the table in front of his couch and chucked it with all his strength at the nearest wall.

"I JUST FUCKING WASTED ALL MY CREDITS ON THIS PIECE OF SHIT KNOWN AS THE SHADOW BROKER AND THE ENTIRE TIME FUCKFACE WAS JUST BELOW MY FUCKING APARTMENT COMPLEX?!" He screamed with all of his lung power. " **You're such a stupid fuck how could you not know he was ripping you off it was like stealing from a handicapped kid."**

"Hahahahahah!" Deadpool wheezed. "You mean like Xavier!? Bhahahahaha!" He laughed holding his stomach

"Haha aww, that was a good one. Anyways, where was I?"

"Oh right. SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME TO CONTACT THE FUCKER!" He took another shot glass and shattered it across the back of his head.

 **"Ouch, that hurt so much please don't do it again."** His inner voice said with sarcasm in its tone.

"Once again, shut the fuck up while I relieve some stress you sarcastic mong."

Deadpool then flipped over his table filled with alcoholic drinks and took out his katana.

He sighed loudly. "This is gonna cost a lot of fuckin money to get repaired."

He instantly began lacerating his couch leaving a deeper tear with each blow. He then jumped over his destroyed couch into the kitchen and started pushing every glass on the counter over onto the floor then slashed at every wall in his apartment a few times before calming down.

"Fuck I swear to god if I ever meet that little fucker in person. I'm gonna slice his dick off and if he's not human well... chop off whatever the fuck aliens have!" He said with a psychopathic tone in his voice. **"Did you just assume someone's gender?"**

"Shut the fuck up ya fuckin twat I just damaged my place because of you."

 **"Jeez, what's with the hostility numbnuts?"**

"Just shut the fuck up please?"

 **"Fine."**

Now that he knew Fist's location he needed to make some preparations before he went. Deadpool went back into his bedroom and opened his drawer next to his bed to lay eyes on two Desert Eagles and a teleportation device that looked like just a miniature blue frisbee.

He strapped the device around his waist and covered it up with his black armor. He looked at the blue frisbee in thought deciding whether or not to teleport straight into Fist's location, but that was just no fun for him, and he enjoyed having a challenge against his opponents.

With that arranged he set off taking an elevator down to the main floor then exiting his apartment complex out into the Citadel. A beautiful and vast space station out in the middle of space. After he took in the sight of the Citadel, he started to go to his intended destination while he had out his vaporizer and took many long hits on the way there.

* * *

 **15 Minutes Later...**

* * *

After several hits from his vape and constant cursing, while going down the elevator complaining why these elevators took longer than him dropping a dookie, he finally made it to the entrance of Chora's Den.

"Well, this doesn't seem too bad." He said with self-confidence.

He stepped into the club full of Asari strippers dancing on a platform. Deadpool taking the sight in had his mouth open the moment he saw an Asari stripper walk past him giving him a wink then walking away.

"God damn, I think I'll be going here later to have some extraterrestrial sex." He said while eyeing the woman that passed him. **"Yeah, and what happens when they finally take that mask of yours off?"**

"No need to take off the mask only my pants."

 **"But you're still fucked up down there too you know that right?"**

"You never know though maybe some of these aliens got weird fetishes." He then heard a human man sitting at a table nearby mutter out something.

"Fuckin weirdo..."

 **"I highly doubt they have a fetish for people that look like testicles."**

"Yeah, I guess I'll keep using my hand and lotion then if I can't find a person like that."

 **"Forever Alone."**

Deadpool walked around the stripper platform glancing around for the V.I.P section. He then found what he was looking for, a separate hallway with a big metal entrance with words saying "V.I.P" at the top and a krogan standing right next to the door.

"Alright, inner voice don't say any stupid shit while I deal with that krogan bouncer."

 **"As you wish captain Deadpool."**

He walked up to the krogan standing next to his destination and just stood there staring up at the krogan. Deadpool was about average height for a male human standing at 6 feet tall, but this krogan stood higher at 7 feet tall. Deadpool just stood there gazing up at the krogan for a minute before the krogan bouncer said something.

"Is there something you need human?" He said with a low, intimidating voice.

"Yeah, I was wondering if you want to see a magic trick?"

"Sure, if you think you'll be able to impress me."

"Alright cool, now for this magic trick I'm gonna need you to close your eyes."

The foolish krogan did as told, and he slipped right past him slowly opening the metal door also closing it quietly so the krogan couldn't hear.

 **"Wow, are all krogan this dense?"**

"Hopefully so in the future, I can make up some stupid fuckin excuse and avoid fighting one of those things."

Deadpool scanned the room and Surprisingly there were no extra guards on the inside you'd think they would have this place tightly secured for protecting such an essential figure for Saren.

"Well, that's just lazy writing." muttered Deadpool.

Deadpool crouched down and began to make his way through this area. He stopped by a corner branching into another part of the place and peaked around the corner.

He saw Fist with three other guards armed with assault rifles having a meeting, and they didn't seem to notice him peaking so he overheard the conversation they were having.

"Alright, men spread out we don't want anyone breaking in when the Quarian arrives. No one goes in and no one outs after that you hear me?" Fist said with a drill sergeant tone. "Now move out maggots!"

Fist turned to go into a room at the far end of the hallway and locked the door. While that happened, the men were moving down the hall towards Deadpool's position. He thought about just taking them out right there but decided to go the stealthy route hiding behind a crate as they walked farther down to the entrance of the area passing him.

 **"You're not Batman, go and kill those degenerates."**

"Fuck no, putting in less effort is better for me, I might leave too much of a mess if I kill those guys." He whispered.

 **"Fine, but I wanna see somebody dead by the end of this."**

Deadpool kept sneaking down the hallway until he got to the door that was locked. Being a mercenary, he did end up getting paid quite a lot, so he saved up some credits to buy an Omni-Tool that could hack doors and stuff for him.

A minute later the door unlocked without Fist knowing and Deadpool snuck up on him. Fist was currently typing a report to Saren at his desk saying the mission was successful likely to save time when the mission did end up getting completed, heh, but only if he knew what was about to happen to him.

"Well if it isn't Saren's little helper... by the way did you name yourself Fist because you like fisting people is that it?"

Fist quickly grabbed the pistol laying in front of him on his desk, but as he was in the process of doing that Deadpool took out his knife and slammed it right on Fist's hand penetrating it as well as the table.

The blood seeped out of Fist as he slammed the knife down with full force and Fist screamed in agony. He made sure to lock the door before doing that as there were guards just a hallway down securing the area he wanted this to be a quiet interrogation.

"Wow, dude do you even shower? You smell like utter shit."

He groaned "Fuck you asshole."

"Alright now you're going to tell me about this Quarian, or I'm going to shoot your fuckin cat." He said with hatred in his tone.

"Heres an idea, how about you go fuck yourself."

"I already did that three times today pal, and I don't like your idea, I have a better one, how about I just fucking kill you right now, without you telling me and I'll find the Quarian myself." He said as he pulled out his Desert Eagle.

"I can't tell you because I'll die, either way, Saren will send out his men on me if I snitch on him." He said with despair.

"He won't along as your put into protective custody now tell me or die." He said as he put the Desert Eagle's barrel to the side of Fist's head.

"Ugh, I hope I don't regret doing this shit," He said shaking his head.

"The quarian you are looking for is at the lower wards near the market, He said with remorse. "There I told you now let me go."

"Ah I'm afraid I can't do that, you see a person hired me to kill you, and that's what I intend to do, sorry pal.

"What?!" He screamed. " No no no no no no no no! You can't do this I fucking gave you the information please let me live!"

"Hmm..." He said cupping his chin with two of his fingers. "Nah." He said quickly and then shot Fist spraying his brain matter all over the wall.

"Woah hahahaha!" He chuckled. "Did you see that shit? His head exploded like a fuckin watermelon!"

" **You are a sick, sick person and I love you for it."**

"Thanks, now let's go save that quarian."

Deadpool pulled out his teleportation device and pressed the button to teleport to the lower wards near the market.

He appeared there with the blue glow slowly fading away as he investigated his surroundings. He took cover behind a crate and peaked over with his hands out imitating binoculars to see two salarians, a turian and of course the Quarian while they were in the middle of a conversation.

"Did you bring it? The turian asked.

"Where's the Shadow Broker? Where's Fist? " The quarian girl dodged the question.

"They'll be here..." The turian said as he ran his hand down starting at the side of her head down her shoulder.

"Where's the evidence?" As he was running his hand down her arm, she slapped it away.

"No way the deal's off." She said backing away.

"Fine have it your way then." He said as he began to un-holster his pistol.

She closed her eyes accepting her fate believing she was a failure to her people and heard a loud bang.

She opened her eyes at the moment to find she wasn't dead and had blood splattered all over her suit. She looked down to see a pool of blood coming out of the turian's skull.

"Gotcha bitch!" She heard a voice in the distance say. She looked up to see a man in a red costume.

Deadpool casually walked down the stairs and looked to see the two salarians backed up in a corner frightened, aiming their guns at him.

"Alright, fellas you got three seconds to get the fuck outta here before you end up like cocknose over there." He pointed behind him at the body.

"Yes, sure whatever you want just don't kill us!" One of the salarians said rapidly.

The salarians ran away, but before they were out of Deadpool's sight, he said "Three!" and shot both of them in the back.

Deadpool did a little salsa dance with his guns out before turning to face the quarian still in shock of the events that transpired.

"Hey!" He shouted in front of her face. She didn't respond. "Helllooooo?" He waved his hand in front of her visor, but she stared blankly into the distance avoiding to look at him.

"Damnit... I should have known this was a set-up." She said then sighed.

"Yeah, you sure got fuckin bamboozled."

 **"Hey, Freddy Kreuger how about you make some friends for once and ask for her name."** She looked at him and tilted her head confused.

"Who are you talking to?" She said with her head still tilted.

He cleared his throat. "Uhh, no one. I'm talking to no one, miss...?" He gestured to her with an open palm.

"Tali. Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, and you are?"

"Wa-, I mean Deadpool, it's Deadpool or... you can call me Captain Deadpool if you'd like."

"Uhh, that's an interesting name...but is it your first name or last name?"

"Deadpool is my nickname since I'm an assassin/mercenary I go by that name, but when I'm around people I know, they'll use my real name."

"So, what is your real name?" She questioned.

"Babe, I just told you. You won't be getting my real name until you get to know me and I get to know you. But that probably won't happen since I'm leaving once Garrus comes along."

After the name exchanging Deadpool heard a slow clap in the background and He turned to see the turian who hired him, a red armored krogan and a human soldier all standing at the top of the stairs.

The group walked down the stairs to face Deadpool and Tali. "I must say you're probably the best assassin I've ever hired you killed Fist and saved the quarian faster than I ever could." He said impressed.

"Heh it was nothing, I used to do this shit back before I-." He stopped himself before letting his past come out.

"Before you what?" The human soldier said.

"Nothing! It's nothing, anyways, you got my credits Garrus?"

"Yup, get out your Omni-Tool, and I'll transfer them over."

They both got out their Omni-Tool's and Garrus transferred the 100,000 credits over to Deadpool's account.

"Alright well, I wish you all luck in your mission if you need anything else just holla at me." Deadpool began to walk away.

"Wait!" Deadpool stopped in his tracks to turn around. "I was hoping you'd help Shepard with his mission as well." Deadpool looked back confused.

"Who the fuck is Shepard? Does he herd sheep?"

The human with black armor stepped forward "I'm Commander Shepard, I'm with the alliance." He said standing straight.

"Alright sheep man what do you want from me?"

"I want you to escort us to the Council Chambers. We don't know how many more men Saren has out there we need more protection just in case things go haywire."

"I'll do it if I'm getting paid a reasonable amount."

"Yeah, I'll pay you."

"Now," He said turning to the quarian. "What is your name?"

"Tali'Zorah nar Rayya." She said wringing her hands. He could tell that she had never been surrounded by so many strangers before.

"Well, Miss Zorah I was notified that you have evidence that proves a rogue Spectre named Saren attacked Eden Prime, correct?"

"Yes, I think so...and please you can just call me Tali." She said opening her Omni-Tool to play the recording.

 _Eden Prime was a major victory! The beacon has brought us one step closer to finding the Conduit._

"Would you care to accompany us Tali? So, we can present this to the council?" Shepard asked.

"Um... sure, Commander. Just lead the way." She said still wringing her hands.

* * *

 **5 Minutes later...**

* * *

"So, what's your name big fella?" Deadpool broke the silence during the elevator ride looking at the red krogan.

"Wrex" He replied.

 **"Wait, T-Rex?"**

"No, it's just Wrex human. Now leave me alone."

"Whoa big fella, you don't gotta be a dick about it. I only want to know you since you didn't introduce yourself at the meeting."

The door to the elevator opened and everyone stepped out except Wrex and Deadpool.

They stared at each other for a moment before Wrex gave a little "Hmph." and walked right out.

Deadpool followed the group until they made their way to an old man named Udina who was the human ambassador.

"Shepard! Have you gone completely insane? Killings at Chora's Den and the wards, this is unacceptable!"

"Udina let me exp-" He was cut off by Udina.

"And what is this!" He pointed at the people standing behind Shepard.

"A krogan, turian, and quarian. What the hell have you been up too? Also, who the hell is that in the red suit?"

"I'm Batman!" Deadpool said imitating Batman's voice.

 _ **"No, you aren't sonny, you're Deathstroke remember?"**_

 **"Ah so now you finally talk after all the shit we've been through."**

Everybody gave Deadpool a confused looked except Tali who just tilted her head to mimic being confused.

"You know you're talking to yourself, right?" Udina responded.

"Nah, I wasn't talking to myself it was all your immaaginnationn." He said putting his hands up gesturing a rainbow.

"Well, anyways Shepard you've got a lot of explaining to do about your crew and this man in particular."

Shepard sighed. "Can it wait for later? We have the information on Saren."

"Shepard!" A man wearing an Alliance uniform ran up to them and stood tall looking at Shepard.

"Anderson, we have the information regarding Saren."

"Alright, reveal it to us, and we'll show it to the Council."

Shepard turned around to face the crew. "Alright, this is Tali'Zorah." He introduced her. "She has the evidence against Saren. Tali go ahead and play the audio."

"Yes, Commander." She replied pressing a few buttons on her Omni-Tool.

Eden Prime was a major victory! The beacon has brought us one step closer to finding the Conduit.

"That's Saren!" Anderson exclaimed.

"Wait!" Tali said. "There's more to it. Saren wasn't working alone."

And one step closer to the return of the Reapers.

"I didn't recognize that other voice, the woman talking about the Reapers," Udina stated.

"Me neither, but this still proves Saren attacked Eden Prime," Anderson replied.

"What the hell is a Reaper though?" Udina questioned.

Tali stepped forward in front of the crew standing tall and began to speak.

"The Reapers were apparently a hyper-advanced machine race that existed fifty thousand years ago. They hunted the protheans to total extinction, and then they vanished!"

"God damn shit reminds me of Thanos," Deadpool added in the background interrupting the information given.

Everyone gave a glance at Deadpool but then ignored him because they probably thought he was insane.

"The Geth believe the Reapers are gods and they are supporting Saren because they believe he will bring them back," Tali stated.

"She's right..." Everyone looked at Shepard. "The visions on Eden Prime. The beacon showed me the Reapers wiping out the protheans. It could have been a warning that there coming to wipe us out."

"Ohh the council is just going to love this," Udina said crossing his arms.

"How did you get this information, Miss Zorah?" Anderson asked.

"Well, during my travels I've been receiving reports of geth traveling outside of the Veil. It was unusual since the geth have rarely been outside the Veil after the geth drove our people into exile."

"Continue Miss Zorah." Anderson replied.

"Yes, so, after I heard about geth traveling outside of the veil I was naturally curious being a quarian and tracked a patrol of geth to an uncharted world. I managed to disable a geth unit and retrieve its memory core when one of geth separated from its unit."

"I thought the geth usually fry their memory core when they die as a defense mechanism," Anderson stated.

How did you manage to retrieve it, Miss Zorah?" Udina questioned.

"My people created the geth. If you're quick, careful and lucky, you can save small bits of data from the memory core before it's cleaned away."

Suddenly two Alliance marines rushed to the group.

"Anderson are we ready to present yet?" The Alliance woman said.

"Yes, let's go present this information to the council." He waved everyone to follow him except the three aliens and Deadpool.

"We'll be back in a bit," Shepard reassured to the crew of interesting individuals.

The Alliance group ran up to the stairs to the area where they were to present. Everyone watched until they were not seen anymore and they all looked at each other.

"Well if you guys need me I'll be over there." Deadpool pointed at the farthest corner in the room.

"Why are you leaving us?" Garrus questioned.

"Cause I gotta get a little alone time," Deadpool said as he took out his vape. "You guys go ahead and have a nice chat while I go smoke up a storm."

* * *

 **Right After The Council Meeting...**

* * *

The meeting had finally ended. Shepard went down the stairs to greet his group of aliens while Deadpool was still off in a corner smoking up a storm.

Shepard was discussing something with his group which was making Tali get riled up. She eventually did calm down after Shepard had told her something and she thanked him for it.

They all looked towards Deadpool's position shaking their heads as they watched him talk to himself while taking a huge drag of his vape.

 **"Why do you even carry that thing around it doesn't even help you."**

"I take it so I can relieve stress buddy ol' pal."

 **"Stress? What are you even stressed about that requires you to vape over 100 times a day."**

"Yeah, you know the stress of getting blown up and waking up in a whole new fucking timeline and being mocked by an insensitive swine named Udina!" He said the last part with anger.

 **"Awww, big boy Deadpool's getting angry over an egotistical pig roach, awwww."**

"Hey fuck you, man. I swear when I get that fucker alone I'm gonna, I'm gonna!" He then took a long drag of his vape.

 _ **"Fucking kill him?"**_

"Yeah, yeah that one."

Everyone was staring at him while he said that stuff. Luckily enough Udina wasn't there when he was talking about murdering him. Shepard walked up to Deadpool slowly not wanting to interrupt his conversation with himself.

 **"So, you still doing your daily touching session later today?"**

"Yeah probably after I get paid by the sheepman." He then straightened himself.

"My spider senses are tingling." He exclaimed turning around.

"Heyyyyy! What's up Shepard how you doin? You got my credits?"

"No, because you still haven't completed your mission."

"Whatttttt? The fuck do you mean I escorted you here! Now wheres my credits!" He shouted.

"Trust me you'll get them, once we save the galaxy from impending doom."

"Save the galaxy? Why the fuck would I wanna do that?"

"Because, if you join us I'll end up using the rest of the Alliance funds to pay you."

"How much are we talking about here hmm?"

"Millions of credits, more than doing these little petty tasks you do here."

"Hmmm." He said cupping his chin with two fingers and tapping his foot.

"I'll do it, on one condition."

"What do you need Deadpool?" He said irritated.

"I'm gonna need a lot of Mexican food."

 **"Fatass."**

 _ **"Indeed."**_

* * *

 **Later At The Docked Normandy...**

* * *

Shepard had the Normandy handed over to him by Anderson. After a few minutes of Deadpool hanging out in the background, they finally said goodbye and Shepard had officially started his mission.

They entered the Normandy after going through a small area called the decontamination chamber, and they all stepped in scanning the inside of the Normandy.

"Alright! So, where the hell are we supposed to go for this sleep-over?" Deadpool asked.

"All of you, take the elevator down to deck three and get your items situated in a locker. Also, Tali there's an engineering section down there if you want to work on the core."

"Thank you, commander," Tali said and nodded

They all stepped into the slow elevator and pressed the button to go down to deck three. Once they got out, Deadpool still had to question the two Alliance marines who showed up out of nowhere during the meeting.

"Hey," Deadpool said looking at the two Alliance soldiers. "I'm Deadpool nice to meet you." He pulled out his hand for a handshake.

The Alliance woman took his hand and shook it. "Ashley." Then the Alliance man came up and shook his hand. "Kaiden."

"Nice to meet you." Ashley and Kaiden said in unison.

"So, did you guys introduce yourself to the other crew members?" Deadpool asked.

"No, we haven't yet but I will after I get done putting up my equipment," Kaiden stated.

"I sure as hell won't" Ashley muttered.

"Why the hell not? There friendly people, except for the big arsehole named Wrex."

"I heard that human!" Wrex shouted in the background.

Kaiden burst out laughing while Ashley became more annoyed with Wrex's presence.

"You wanna know why I don't want to introduce myself?" She whispered to Deadpool.

"Why?" He whispered leaning in close.

"Because they're filthy aliens." She whispered.

 **"Holy shit have we finally found space, Hitler?"**

 _ **"Indeed, we have."**_

"WHAT!?" She shouted. "I'M NO SPACE HITLER!"

 _ **"Then why do you hate aliens?"**_

"UGH! WHATEVER IT DOESN'T MATTER!" She shouted as she stormed into the elevator pressing the button for deck two.

 **"Wow! I wonder who shit in her cornflakes!"**

"God. Damnit. Guys I don't need you commenting on everything I say to these characters just fucking stop it, please?"

 _ **"But, we can't control it, we have to say it because it's on the scr-."**_

"SHHHHHHHHHH!" Deadpool said putting his finger to his mouth. "We can't let them know about the shit."

"What shit?" Kaiden asked.

"Nothing! Just go about your business with your equipment."

"Oh, ok then."

Deadpool backed away into the hallway leading to engineering and made a deep sigh.

"Alright, boys I think this is a good stopping place."

 **"Lazyyyyyyy assss."**

 _ **"Indeed."**_

* * *

A/N: I'm not sure how you made it this far. But I am sure glad you did, so that I can try to make more of this catastrophe. I don't really know what the fuck to do with this pile of shit, so I would appreciate it if you can give me ideas for some chapters. Also this entire story won't be all Deadpool shenanigans, It'll probably be 75% of Deadpool comedy and the other 25% will be characters actually being serious. Anyways there's no promises i'll actually finish this because i'm a lazy cunt and i'm not good at writing at all.


	2. Target Practice

_**DEADPOOL**_

There I was staring up at the ceiling in the dimly lit hallway leading to engineering, thinking about my previous life. God. Damnit. I was hoping that Cable would come along and tell me that I could certainly go back to my former reality with everything fine and dandy. But that doesn't seem to be the case, it's been months now, and the fucker hasn't shown up yet, maybe my previous reality got fucked so hard by that explosion that it just wasn't safe to be put back into it and that's why I'm here today.

I didn't see what actually happened to my previous timeline, but it must have been some fucked up shit, all I can remember is an explosion so bright you'd think Michael Bay made the shit happen and then there was just nothing for a few minutes except the occasional whisper by Lady Death saying she loves me.

When I had awoken on the Citadel, my first thoughts were that I resurrected in the same galaxy but a little farther out away from earth. And I was completely wrong once I got the chance to look outside of the Citadel, I immediately knew that this was a whole nother world in the future, a universe without mutants ever existing.

Now you're probably wondering what kind of universe I used to live in, well if you want me to explain it to you, you're in bad luck because I don't know shit. I wasn't a big part in all that gibberish, but if you genuinely want to know just read some of the comics or watch some of the movies. Also if you all want to avoid getting confused, don't watch X-Men Origins just don't, you'll be doing yourself a huge favor.

Anyways, I got a quarian girl to talk to since I'm already in the hallway leading to engineering.

"What do ya think guys should I talk to the quarian or not?"

" **I think you should stay here, and question your insanity, this is the most normal you've acted since waking up on the Citadel.**

 _ **"Do it fast I can't handle long ass biographies."**_

* * *

Deadpool got out his vaporizer to take a quick drag before going to the quarian girl, but as he finished vaping the intercoms turned on with Shepard on the other side informing the entire crew of the mission they were going to take on.

"This is Commander Shepard speaking. We have our orders: Find Saren before he finds the Conduit. I won't lie to you, crew. This mission isn't going to be easy. For too long our species has stood apart from the others. Now it's time for us to step up and do our part for the rest of the galaxy! Saren knows we're coming, and we must stop him, not for just humanity, not just the Council, but hearts and minds, and ultimately the galaxy itself. And I promise you all by the end of this mission, Saren and his followers will be defeated."

" **What the fuck is the Conduit?** **And by followers does he mean Twitter followers?"**

 _ **"Wow, what a way to ruin a heroic speech, you moron."**_

"I agree with white box, and I doubt twitter exists in this universe fuckhead, it's probably called Twatter or some other stupid name."

" **Wait!? Twatter? Bwahahahaha! So what you're saying is that everyone that uses it is a twat?"**

"Eh, I never used twitter or whatever the fuck it's called here, but I did know some people who did use twitter back then, and most of them were twats, so yeah I guess so."

 _ **"You guys are so unbearable that I truly wish I wasn't a fucking speech bubble so I could leave you imbeciles."**_

"Ok, Ok, fine I'll go talk to the quarian girl, and also I'm gonna need you yellow box to shut the fuck up while I talk to her."

" **What about white box?"**

"He can stay."

" **Wooooooooow, ok I see how it is, just you wait buddy, you're gonna regret doing this shit later on."**

Deadpool put away his vape and walked into engineering. Before he walked up behind Tali currently working on a terminal, he had to take in the sight of the massive drive core. The core was a giant ball of blue energy, pulsating around every few seconds and also emitting a blue light that dimly lit up the area.

After watching the drive core, Deadpool tiptoed a few feet behind Tali. She was still working on the terminal, minding her own business while Deadpool gazed from Tali's hood all the way down to her rear. Deadpool was staring for a couple of seconds while Tali was oblivious to the situation that was going on behind her still working on her terminal.

 _ **"Is she even legal?"**_

Tali must have heard that comment on her because once that was said aloud, she quivered. After she shook a door opened from behind Deadpool, it was Commander Shepard. Deadpool and Tali turned around the moment the door to engineering cleared revealing the Commander.

"Ah, Tali I've been wanting to talk to you and? Deadpool? What are you doing here?"

"Well, I was just about to talk to Tali as well, but if you want to talk her you can, I'll just be on my way."

 _ **"If you had a shame meter, it'd be full right now."**_

"Wait, Deadpool, were you checking her out?" Shepard asked with a quizzical look on his face.

"Fuck no, why would I do that to her?" He gestured to tali.

 _ **"Because you're perverted."**_

Deadpool then facepalmed and shook his head. Shepard thought for a moment before grinning, and with every second passing, his smirk became wider. Shepard glanced behind Deadpool and noticed Tali looking away embarrassed to be in this kind of situation.

"Aw, fuck this shit" Deadpool pressed the button on his teleportation device and vanished.

Deadpool teleported a floor above them where the crew quarters were and appeared next to the mess table. He didn't say anything and pulled out a chair from the table and sat down then scooted back into the table.

 _ **"Well I'd say that went better than expected, I didn't have to listen to a long backstory, and you got humiliated in the process."**_

"Well, there goes my fuckin reputation." He said as he placed his elbow on the table facepalming.

" **Awwwww, I thought we were finally gonna get lucky."**

"I could have had a chance, but thanks to you asswipes I'm probably shunned by her now."

 _ **"Oh, Big fuckin deal, even if you did manage to land her, all three of us know that the shit wouldn't have lasted long considering the last three you've had all died by your hands."**_

" **Yeah! Especially the one where you blew that bitch's face right off!"**

"Whatever, the past is the past nothing I can do about it now."

Deadpool then heard the noise of the elevator rising up. He sighed thinking it was probably Shepard coming up so he can tease him about the incident that had happened about fifteen minutes ago. He heard footsteps coming around the corner, to prepare for the worst Deadpool straightened his back and crossed his arms on the table burying his head in them hoping that he wouldn't bother him.

The man that had just walked in came up next to the mess table and took a seat across from Deadpool. He stared at Deadpool for a few seconds before raising his arm and knocking on the table trying to get his attention. He tapped a few more times then he got up to shake Deadpool, but Deadpool acted as he was asleep by murmuring something inaudible.

"Deadpool, I know you couldn't have gone to sleep that easily you were just talking to me about thirty minutes ago remember?" Kaiden said.

Surprisingly it wasn't Shepard, which relieved Deadpool and he got up from his fake sleep to face Kaiden while still sitting at the table.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" He questioned.

"I just got done putting my stuff into my locker, and I came up here to see if there's anything to eat." He replied

"Did you happen to hear Shepard yammering about some stupid shit that I did?"

"What did you do?"

"It isn't important, now tell me was he fucking spreading shit around to people or not?" Deadpool asked with an angry tone.

"No, he wasn't, I didn't even actually see him come out of engineering so I'd imagine he's still having a chat with Tali."

"But he'll probably spread the shit, later on, so whatever he says about me to you, just don't believe it, its all a fuckin ruse."

"Alright, I'll keep that in mind. Anyways, did you want something to eat?" Kaiden said as he strolled to the fridge.

"Yeah, I'd like all the Mexican food we have on this ship."

"Oh, um we don't have any of that."

Deadpool then rose out of his chair immediately once Kaiden said that and stared him directly in the eye.

"Are you fuckin kiddin me!?" He exclaimed

* * *

 **5 Minutes Later...**

* * *

Deadpool was currently rummaging violently through the fridge in the crew quarters, trying to find some Mexican food. When he got done searching through the entire fridge he wasn't able to locate the Mexican food Shepard had promised he would have back on the Citadel. Kaiden watched from afar as Deadpool began to throw anything that wasn't Mexican food at the wall.

"GOD DAMN IT! YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!" He said as he threw some pre-packaged meals at the walls.

"WHERE ARE THE CHIMI-FUCKIN-CHANGAS!" He continued throwing more stuff at the walls.

"Calm down! We can send someone down to get some we're currently still docked to the Citadel!" Kaiden replied.

"GO GET THEM RIGHT NOW! ALSO, MAKE SURE THEY GET ENOUGH TO LAST A WHOLE FUCKING YEAR!"

"Ok, jeez let me radio Joker."

"Joker? You mean the crackhead from the DC universe?"

"No… Joker's our pilot."

"Oh, then why haven't I seen him around here?"

"Because he's crippled, He has a hard time walking around, so he just sits in his chair all day."

"Alright, whatever just get on with the chimichangas."

Kaiden then contacted Joker and asked if he could ask somebody upstairs to acquire some Mexican food for Deadpool. And after a couple of minutes, the sound of the elevator came then a female alliance member from upstairs stepped out to the mess table and placed down a bag filled with Mexican food.

Deadpool was having a small conversation with Kaiden, so he couldn't hear the lady come into the area. But once she placed down the bag, he rushed over extremely fast. He began digging through the bag pulling out everything and placing it all on the table in front of him while Kaiden was busy in the background fixing the mess Deadpool had made previously.

"Oh fuck yeah!" Deadpool exclaimed.

" **You need to say thanks to the lady."**

"Thanks, lady!" He turned to see the lady walking away.

 _ **"I don't think she heard you. You need to be louder."**_

"Good idea. Deadpool took in a deep breath. "THANK YOUUUUU LAADDDDYYYY!" He yelled as loud as he could. And there was no reply to him.

"Goddamnit, what the fuck is her problem?"

"Holy shit, do you ever shut the hell up?" Kaiden added in the background

"No. I don't actually." Deadpool simply replied.

Kaiden continued to pick up the items Deadpool had tossed around earlier and gave a little sigh after Deadpool answered his question.

Deadpool went back to the mess table and sat down in one of the chairs to begin unwrapping all of the Mexican food laid out on the table. He tallied all of the items one by one, and it ended up with fifty enchiladas, fifty tacos, and last but not least fifty chimichangas. After counting, he began to feast on all of it with Kaiden still cleaning up his mess in the background.

Thirty minutes later Deadpool finally became satisfied and stored the rest of the food inside the bag which he then put into the fridge. Right, when he was done with that the rest of the crew came up to the quarters and Kaiden rushed up to greet them while Deadpool hanged back still not ready to confront Shepard and Tali about his previous misconduct.

Deadpool crouched and crawled under the mess table not wanting to be seen by them. He listened in on the conversation Kaiden was having with the rest of the crew.

"Kaiden, where is Deadpool? We need the whole crew here for this meeting." Shepard informed him.

"He's somewhere back over there I think." He pointed behind his back.

"Alright good, he's gonna want to know the details of our mission tomorrow," Shepard said.

The crew headed to the other section of the quarters and began looking for Deadpool to no avail.

"I thought you said the pyjak was here," Wrex said turning to Kaiden.

" **HAHAHA! What in the shit is a peejack!?"**

 _ **"Is he saying you got a jackhammer stuck in your penis?"**_

"SHHHHHHHHH! Shut the fuck up!" He whispered loudly.

The crew heard Deadpool's loud whispering, and they began to pace back towards the front of the quarters. Deadpool quickly got up from under the table and jumped up on top of it. He decided he wasn't gonna have enough time to run away, so he at least wanted to make his appearance look surprising. He laid down on the table viewing the way the squad was going to come from and propped up his head with his arm in an arousing pose to face his crew.

Everyone saw the pose that Deadpool was making, and they all chuckled except Wrex, who just stared at Deadpool with no emotion added.

"Awww, you guys went out to find me? You're all so kind to me, except for big scaly fucker" Deadpool exclaimed.

"You're correct. If this were a life or death situation, I'd leave you in a heartbeat you pyjak." Wrex added.

"God damn are you always on your fuckin period? I was kidding… obviously." He laced the last word with sarcasm.

"Ok! That's enough! I didn't establish this meeting just so we can insult each other, both of you need to settle down." Shepard said.

"Anyways, the reason I've invited all of you up here is so that we can discuss our first objective. Everyone, please have a seat."

Everyone sat down at the table with Deadpool trying to stay away from Shepard and Tali, but before he could take the last seat at the end of the table away from them, Wrex took it instead right as Deadpool was reaching for it.

"My seat, weakling," Wrex said.

"Mother fucker! That was my seat before you got here! I rubbed my testes all over it!" Deadpool shouted.

"Too bad, you can go and sit over there." Wrex pointed to a seat at the other end of the table.

Deadpool turned to see the only seat remaining was the one sitting directly across from Tali with Shepard being in the middle.

 _ **"Rest in peace pool, rest in peace."**_

" **Good luck my red spandex friend."**

"Fuck," Deadpool muttered under his breath as he made his way over to the chair and plopped right down into it.

Deadpool crossed his arms and dared himself not to look up at Tali until Shepard interrupted his thinking process.

"Deadpool, I'm gonna need you to be fully awake for this briefing, no slacking off, this is very crucial information," Shepard said.

"Fine," Deadpool grumbled.

Deadpool glimpsed up to see Tali not even giving him a sight but looking away in a different direction. Shepard looked at both Deadpool and Tali while grinning then carried on with his briefing.

"I was just given a word that a particular asari scientist is trapped somewhere in the Artemis Tau cluster. Now you may be wondering why I said particular, well this asari happens to be the daughter of the asari matriarch we heard in Tali's recording." Shepard explained.

"And that will be our first plan of action on tracking down Saren," Shepard said.

"And what if she's evil? I highly doubt that she would even give us information if we captured her." Ashley added.

"Well, we're just gonna have to take that risk," Shepard stated.

"I'll do the honors of killing her if she does turn on us," Wrex said.

"Fuck no buddy-O! Deadpool said pulling out his Desert Eagle and cocking the gun back. "I got the blueberry pie lady! She'll be trying to run away, and I'll be like BANG!" Deadpool said imitating the gunshot by flinging his hand back.

"Do you even know how to use that human?" Wrex asked.

"Of course I do dumbass! You saw me kill those guys back in the wards!" Deadpool shouted.

"That doesn't mean you know how to use it, you could have fired fifty bullets just to kill three guys," Wrex added.

"Oh ya! I'd like to see you try buddy!"

"Yeah I will, but not with that puny peashooter, I'll instead use this." Wrex pointed to his massive shotgun hanging on his back.

"Guys! What did I tell you before, stop fighting that'll get you guys nowhere, we need this entire crew to work together with no drawbacks!" Shepard yelled.

Everyone seemed to flinch at Shepard's anger except Deadpool and wrex who were eyeing each other down.

"Anyways, just as Deadpool and Wrex were arguing over, we're gonna need everyone to show their expertise at handling weaponry starting with you Deadpool, since you seem so confident about yourself."

"Pfft, I can do the shit with my eyes closed."

"Alright, then let's go down to deck three where I already have some targets propped up."

They all fit into the cramped elevator, and Deadpool was placed right next to Tali but didn't bother to notice her since he was still pissed about Wrex underestimating him. Deadpool began to crack his knuckles emitting a large cracking sound while whispering something.

"Can't wait to see the look on the fuckers face once I surpass him in everything." Tali must have heard him, and she snickered a little at the comment.

They finally arrived to deck three, and they all saw three bullseye targets hanged at the end of the loading bay. Shepard started getting weapons out of his locker, so he could place them on a table nearby for everyone to test their skills out.

Once Shepard was done laying out all the weapons on the table, he motioned Deadpool to come over while everyone else stood to the side watching him.

"Okay, Deadpool I'm gonna need you to take this weapon and show me how well you handle it," Shepard said holding out a futuristic pistol named the Kessler Mark I.

"No shit gramps. Also, by the way, I ain't using that piece of shit I'm gonna use this." Deadpool pulled out his Desert Eagle.

"Alright, go ahead and take the stage, show me what you got."

"Also since I stand by my words, I'm gonna do this shit blindfolded." Deadpool pulled out a black blindfold from one of his pockets and wrapped it around his eyes.

"Go ahead and do it pyjak I wanna see you fail," Wrex said.

Deadpool reloaded his magazine to make sure it wasn't out of ammo and began to aim up his shot. He waited for a few seconds to see if Wrex was gonna say anything and sure enough he did.

"Ha! I knew the stupid pyjak coul-" Wrex was interrupted by a shot echoing throughout the area.

Everyone flinched at the sudden shot that rang out from the very loud Desert Eagle. They all looked to the spot and saw the bullet hole was straight in the middle of the target, a shot so perfect Shepard gaped at it as everyone else did except Wrex who had an angry look on his face.

"HA! Take that you reptilian motherfucker! Suck this dick bitch!" Deadpool said as he took off his blindfold and began to gesture at his penis while facing Wrex.

Wrex then shoved Deadpool out of the way stomping over towards Shepard making sure to look at intimidating as possible.

"Let me see that!" Wrex snatched the Kessler Mark I out of Shepard's hand. "Give me the blindfold you filthy pyjak!" He motioned to Deadpool.

"Fuck no, your head is the size of a fucking boulder it won't fit you cuntsicle" Deadpool responded, and everyone giggled at the comment.

"Fine, I'll just close my eyes then," Wrex replied.

Wrex closed his eyes and attempted to aim at the target, but his aim was way off since the gun he was holding was smaller than most weaponry he usually handles. He fired his shot, and it missed traveling far off to the right. He removed his blindfold and was distraught at the result which showed that he didn't even hit the target at all.

"Bullshit! Let me try again I wasn't prepared enough!" Wrex yelled.

"I beat you fair and square bub, there are no redos, I showed you that I'm a better fighter than you are."

"Alright, guys I think that settles it you can st-" Shepard was then interrupted by Wrex's shouting.

"Fuck you!" Wrex charged Deadpool when he was least expecting it and tackled him into the metal wall with Deadpool hitting his head on the hard surface.

Deadpool got out his knife immediately while Wrex had him pinned and began stabbing forcefully at his side. But the attack didn't last long as Wrex grabbed ahold of his wrist squeezing with all his strength and broke it.

"Awh! My fucking hand!" Deadpool screamed in agony.

Everyone began to pile up on Wrex trying to tear him away from Deadpool, but Deadpool didn't get to witness the act as Wrex headbutted him and everything faded to black for him.

* * *

 **A Few Hours Later...**

* * *

" **Wake the fuck up! Wake the fuck up! WAKE THE FUCK UP!"**

 _ **"Yes, please."**_

" **Can you believe this!? This fucker has been asleep for six hours!"**

 _ **"Maybe we should be louder."**_

" **Good idea. WAKE THE FUCKKK UPPPPPP!"**

Deadpool then woke up into a sitting position instantly. He felt the backside of his head and groaned loudly.

"Ughhh, what the fuck happened?" Deadpool questioned.

" **You got your fuckin ass whooped that's what happened."**

 _ **"Yeah, and it was embarrassing to watch."**_

Deadpool got off his bed and started to examine the place he had been in for the past couple of hours. It was a gloomy area with first aid cabinets hanged on the walls and medical instruments scattered on various carts and the only thing lighting up the room just enough so he could see was a holographic heart rate monitor checking his vitals.

"Where the fuck is everyone?" Deadpool questioned.

 _ **"Well, while you were knocked out they dragged Wrex and you of course to this place called the Med-Bay where they proceeded to make sure you were alive."**_

"Just get to the fuckin point," Deadpool said

 _ **"As of now, there currently sleeping in their pods."**_

"And? What happened to that reptilian motherfucker?"

 _ **"He had some pretty deep cuts in his side, but they were treated quickly with Medi-Gel."**_

"Fucker was lucky I got pinned against the wall, or I would have decapitated his ass with my katana. I don't think Medi-Gel could save him from that shit."

Deadpool began to walk out of the Med-Bay but stopped as he had something dragging on him. He looked to see he still had an IV lodged in his wrist. Deadpool ripped it off with the water still leaking and walked down the hallway exiting the Med-Bay where everything was still dark.

" **Holy shit balls! Has this become a horror movie?"**

 _ **"No, It can only become a horror movie if a jumpscare happens."**_

Suddenly someone popped out of the darkness standing directly in front of Deadpool's face, and it frightened him.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Deadpool screamed in terror.

" **AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HAVE TO JINX US!"**

 _ **"WHY! WRITER! WHY!"**_

"Hey, hey, calm down I'm not going to hurt you. My name is Doctor Chakwas I came up here to check up on you." Chakwas explained.

"Doctor Chakwas? Why can't you be named Doctor Chocolate? That would make things a whole lot better right now." Deadpool replied.

"I'm afraid I can't be named that, but you can certainly call me that if you'd like."

"Ok, Doctor Chocolate what time is it right now?"

"It's," Chakwas opened her Omni-Tool up. "Eleven thirty right now."

"Eleven-thirty? God damn why can't people fuckin use anything else but thirty when describing time." Deadpool remarked.

 _ **"Does it honestly fucking matter?"**_

"Uhh, anyways I was remarkably surprised when Wrex broke your wrist, and it ended up recovering very quickly," Chakwas stated.

"Oh, I didn't break my wrist, it may have looked like that, but I'm very flexible, so it can look like it's broken, but it's not."

"Um, I'm pretty sure it broke, it was flopping around and everything," Chakwas replied.

"Well, it doesn't matter now, it's healed, and you don't need to worry about it anymore. Have a good night sleep Doctor Chocolate." Deadpool said as he walked away from her.

"Please, don't get yourself into any more trouble," Chakwas said as she walked back into the Med-Bay area.

Deadpool walked over to the sleeping pods everyone was currently sleeping in to see if anyone was still awake. He checked everyone and indeed everybody was asleep, he was currently the only one awake on the Normandy. He thought of getting revenge on Wrex right now but decided he'd get his revenge tomorrow while on the mission.

"Hey guys, daddy doesn't like going to sleep until twelve o'clock, so you got any ideas of what we should do?"

" **Kill Wrex! Kill Wrex!"**

 _ **"That seems plausible."**_

"Later. I need something else, come on give me something good."

" **Awwwww. I wanted to kill him right now."**

 _ **"We can't do that shit. People will get pissed."**_

"You're right. So that's why we'll do it later anyway."

After a few minutes of discussing with the voices, they couldn't come up with anything else to do other than killing Wrex or getting high.

 _ **"Hmm, you know it seems like we've forgotten something."**_

"What did I forget? My rubber band collection?" Deadpool asked rapidly.

 _ **"No, it seems you've forgotten a person on this ship."**_

"I'm pretty sure I've heard everyone talk in this issue," Deadpool then remembered that he forgot about Garrus.

"Oh, shit… My bad."

Deadpool then rummaged around some of his pockets and pulled out a red pen with a blank piece of paper. He ran over to the mess table to set out his items so he could write an apology to Garrus.

 _ **"What are you doing?"**_

"I gotta write a letter to Garrus saying that he'll be more active in the next issue, so people don't get fuckin pissed at me."

" **A love letter?"**

Deadpool clicked his pen and began writing his letter to Garrus.

 _Dear Garrus,_

 _I am sorry that I didn't speak to you at all today. Hopefully, when we go on the mission, we'll get to know more about each other while kicking some ass and then become best friends!_

 _Love Deddy,_

 _P.S Wrex is a cunt._

After writing for a mere ten seconds, Deadpool slammed his head on the table and fell asleep without saying a word about the letter he made.

" **Aww, he fell asleep."**

 _ **"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz-shewwww. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz-shewwww."**_

" **Aww god damn it not you too."**

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" Deadpool snored.

" **Deadpool! Wake up!"**

"Huh? What the fuck do you want?" Deadpool replied lazily.

" **I just wanted to let you know that it's twelve-fifteen."**

"Goddamnit don't wake me up until morning."

" **Ok Captain Deadpool."**

A few seconds later...

" **Deadpool!"**

"What."

" **I just wanted to let you know that it's twelve-Sixteen now."**

"Alright, you know what bitch." Deadpool pulled out his Desert Eagle and aimed it at his head.

" **Ok! Ok! I'm sorry."**

Deadpool fell back asleep in the chair slamming his head down on the table once again. He thought about Tali for a few minutes and gave a loud sigh before he drove off into deep sleep.

* * *

A/N:Thanks for reading my shit! Next chapter will be more action-packed and will involve a lot more Garrus and Tali. Anyways leave a review if you like my shit or if you didn't like it and tell me why so I can improve my writing so with that said, cya later.


	3. Deadpool:Origins

**A/N:** Hopefully you enjoy this insufferably, shitty, slipshod, slapdash, abhorrent, repugnant, revolting, repulsive, poopy, fucking abysmal. Long chapter.

* * *

 _ **Wade Wilson(17 years old, February 25 1997, British Columbia)**_

* * *

"WADE! OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR RIGHT NOW!" My dad fiercely shook the doorknob to my room.

The dickface was currently banging on the door because I had stolen large amounts of money from him and bought some marijuana from this random dude that went to my school. My ass had been recommended to smoke dope by a friend because it supposedly helps with depression. Before I had gotten in this shitty state I was not doing very well in high school, anyways. I was being harassed every day when walking through the front door because of my past issues. People called me a faggot, pussy, bitch and other sorts of offensive names no one should experience being called, with so much hostility. With that happening my grades began to fall downhill, and I ended up dropping out of high school after asking my dad. He didn't care obviously, because the asshole was an alcoholic and abusing, the epitome of human garbage. Always when I came home, he would blame all of his past mistakes on me and proceed to beat me afterward.

The death of my mother from cancer a year ago eventually the reason why I dropped out. The emotions flowing through me at that point were just too much for me to handle while in school. And even though the man that was still banging on my door had lost everything, his job, his friends, and wife, he still was a piece of shit towards me. I can understand why though, it's because he's a retired military veteran. After his retirement, he became diagnosed with multiple mental disorders with the main ones being PTSD, Bipolarism, panic disorder and schizophrenia.

"Leave me the fuck alone asshat!" I blurted out after taking the joint out of my mouth.

"WADE! DO YOU WANT ME TO BEAT YOUR FUCKIN ASS? OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR!" He banged on the door loudly.

I looked over to my dresser next to my bed and saw the picture of my deceased mother. Blond with a ponytail and blue eyes, she would have wanted me to get away from this maniac after all the shit she had to deal with him. Before he started to harm me, he abused my mother verbally, wishing he never had married her or made me. My mother told me just before she died "Don't ever become like him. Please don't put your future family through what he made us go through." Hate ran through my mind from the memory, and I grabbed the picture. I opened up the window to my room and began to climb through it.

As soon as I was beginning to climb out the window, my father busted down the door by using his shoulder. He broke down the door just as I was about to jump out of the window. He rushed towards me and tried to grab the jacket I was wearing, but luckily he missed as I leaped out into the night. I landed on my ankle awkwardly and sprained it, creating a popping sound as crash-landed on the muddy ground. I grasped my ankle for a few seconds groaning in severe pain before manning up to lift myself off the ground. I gave a little laugh then glared back up at the window to shout something to my abusive father.

"Enjoy life by yourself bitch-ass!" I screeched even though he wasn't there at the window.

Limping down the long dirt road that led to my house was a fuckin chore as it happened to be located out in the countryside far away from the nearest city named Vancouver and it was also far away from the main road as well.

After stopping a few times because of my injury, I finally reached the main road and looked behind to see if my father was pursuing me. Thank god he wasn't that crazy to actually, come after me. I was still worried though hobbling down the main road on one foot would probably make me very vulnerable for him to jog towards me and snatch me up, so I put my hand out in a hitchhiking gesture, so hopefully, someone can pick me up, and take me away from this shitty ass area. After a while, a yellow taxi drove past me but immediately stopped, and the man inside stuck his hand out to motion me in.

I limped over towards it. "Take me to Vancouver. Please," I stammered grabbing my ankle as I got in the front seat of the taxi and buckled my seatbelt.

"You ok there sir? You looked like a zombie when you were limping like that." The Indian man with a striped shirt said with concern.

"Yeah I'm alright, it's just a sprained ankle,"

"Okay, well I hope you like some Wham because I'm gonna be blasting it this whole trip."

"Fine by me," I replied as I gazed out the window.

He shifted gears to begin driving down to Vancouver, and I glanced over to see the man lip syncing to a famous song called "Careless Whisper" A few seconds later he noticed me and I hastily looked away.

"So what's your name?" The man asked calmly.

"Wade. Wade Wilson." I responded. "And you?"

"Dopinder." He held out his hand, and I shook it.

We finally made it to the city of Vancouver, and he dropped me off at an apartment complex named Canucks. I got out of the taxi and closed the door, but Dopinder rolled the windows up before I walked away.

"Wait! That's uh four-fifty-three." Dopinder said after he calculated the distance traveled.

"Oh shit." I checked the pockets of my pants, and there was nothing.

"Sorry... I don't have any money on me, but uh how about... A nifty high five?" I stretched my palm inside the taxi.

"Uhm… okay..." He high fived me.

"Alright catch you later, Dopinder, hopefully, we meet again," I said as I walked the opposite way down the sidewalk.

"See you…" He said and drove off.

God damn, I don't know how the fuck that worked... Anyways it doesn't matter I'm gonna have to get a job. Things cost money and if you don't have cash in this world your life will be a living hell. With that in mind, I walked up to a street pole that happened to be littered with job offers. Obviously some of them I wasn't able to do because you needed a diploma but I eventually found one that caught my interest.

 _CARPENTER'S WANTED_

 _CALL: 604-449-8894_

Well, it's better than nothing, might as well.

* * *

 **End Of Deadpool:Origins Part I**

* * *

"Leave…Me…The…Fuck…Alone…" Deadpool murmured as Garrus started to shake him.

"He's not waking up" Garrus looked over behind him to see Shepard and the crew watching him attempt to wake Deadpool up.

"Try hitting him," Ashley suggested.

Garrus nodded and tightened his three finger hand into a ball. He hit Deadpool on the back as hard as he could which immediately made Deadpool flinch and resulted in him falling out of the chair. When Deadpool fell out of his chair the crew looked over to see a pool of drool and they looked at him in disgust.

"Do you always do that when you sleep?" Kaiden asked Deadpool while he was sprawling on the floor rubbing his head.

"Wha?" Deadpool got up and looked at the mess he made. "Oh shit. Sorry I was having a dream about uhh… nevermind, anyways what the fuck do you guys want?"

"We have a mission, remember?" Shepard recalled.

"The one where we have to save the tentacle lady or the one where we have to kill Garrus's twin brother?"

"We have to save the asari first, then we can get information to go after Garrus's twin brother." Shepard joked along.

Garrus facepalmed, and Shepard motioned everyone to follow him. They all got inside the dreadfully slow elevator and headed down to deck three. Deadpool just happened to end up beside Tali inside, and he thought if this was a good time to apologize for the lack of manners he had towards her before. He waved the thought off in his mind and decided he'd do in next issue, hint, hint.

After some awkward silence, they finally made it to deck three, and everyone went over to their lockers to gear up. Deadpool didn't have a locker for gear since he always carried his weapons on him but went anyways and watched as Tali got her gear out. He leaned against a nearby wall and observed as she strapped armor on her leg and arm joints for protection against the highly advanced enemy they were going to fight.

Deadpool hadn't noticed for the longest time that her legs were bowed backward. Before this, he had just thought she was a regular human wearing a suit for armor.

 **"What the fucking shit? Is she a goat?"**

 _ **"Who gives a bloody fuck if she's a goat? I'd still tap that. Even if her face looks like one, just put a bag over her head."**_

Deadpool was currently daydreaming about her as his voices were arguing over the fact that she had bowed legs. But he was soon interrupted as he heard a muffled speech calling to him.

"Is there something you need?" Tali asked politely.

Deadpool snapped back to reality. "Wha? No no no I don't need anything. Just enjoying the view." Deadpool said while looking at her.

"Oh… Okay then," Tali muttered at him before heading to the group that was lined up by the mako.

 _ **"Damn she's a shy one."**_

 **"When is the last time you talked to a girl? You used to be way more charming doing it."**

"Well technically one hundred and fifty years ago since Lady Death transported me to a whole nother universe in the future."

"Hey! Deadpool you coming or not?" Shepard shouted at him.

"Oh ya! just one second!" Deadpool shouted back.

"Alright, I'm gonna need one of you guys to be my life coach," Deadpool whispered into his hand as he turned around to face the wall.

 **"What for?"**

"What do you mean "what for?" Isn't it fucking obvious?"

 _ **"So, You need our help? After ignoring our advice and ideas in the past?"**_

"Fuck yeah I do dumbass why would I be asking you this in the first place. Also that ignoring thing was solely in the moment, besides it worked out anyways didn't it?"

 _ **"Yeah it made sure you had to fight more lowlifes than you bargained for."**_

"Whatever I don't give a fuck, now you guys gonna help or not?"

 **"What's in it for us fuckface?"**

"Lots of killings since I know you guys get a hard-on for that shit."

 _ **"Alright, deal, but if you don't follow your oath, I'll use my mind-fuckery powers on you."**_

 **"** DEADPOOL!" Shepard shouted once again.

"Yeah! I'm coming, I'm, coming."

Deadpool finished his conversation and strolled over towards the group that was waiting for a good five minutes for him to join them.

"Jeez... what took you so long," Ashley asked.

"Sorry I was doing my morning stretches," Deadpool said as he merged his hands and cracked his joints.

"You didn't look like you were doing stretches. You looked like a little child whispering shit behind people's back."

"So clenching your buttcheeks together doesn't count as stretching?" Deadpool uttered.

"Deadpool! Less joking more focusing on the mission. Now get your shit together." Shepard remarked.

"Yes, sir Mr boss man sir!" Deadpool saluted, and everyone snickered at the act.

"Alright!" Shepard said as he paced back to the front of the group. "Everyone got everything?" The crew nodded in unison.

"Well if we're all prepared start getting inside the Mako people move it!" Shepard motioned towards the door.

Everyone did as told and entered the Mako one by one with Kaiden and Ashley being the last two people to get in. Wrex was the third to last person to get inside, and he ended up taking two seats inside the Mako entirely, leaving no room for the others. Kaiden and Ashley both stared at each other with Ashley giving a troubled expression. At the same time, they both looked at the front of the Mako where Shepard was checking system diagnostics to see if everything was working or not.

"Uh Shepard, there's no more room left," Kaiden announced.

Shepard quickly glanced behind. "Shit... sorry I honestly didn't think this would happen. I'm gonna have to leave you both out for this mission. not because of your abilities but because we possibly have a time limit."

"Really? You'd rather take some fucking aliens instead of your two alliance soldiers!?" Ashley yelled.

 ** _"Oh god, here we go again with space Hitler."_**

"I'm sorry Ashley, but we can't waste time switching out, the asari could know about our mission and could be currently escaping, we need to leave now," Shepard replied.

"Yeah! First come first served biatch!" Deadpool blurted out.

"Fucking bullshit!" Ashley slammed the door to the mako and stomped off.

"Sheesh, I don't like her one bit," Garrus uttered.

"She reminds me of Ellen. Treats people she knows good but treats her guests like shit." Deadpool compared.

"Who is Ellen?" Tali asked.

"This old dyke that's probably dead by now."

"Hey, there's no need to treat your teammates like shit. Ashley can be a very nice person if you know her well."

"Keyword, "Know," Deadpool stated.

"She'll probably get to know you guys very well if you stop treating her like shit."

"That is if she doesn't insult us once we get into proximity of her," Garrus said.

"I'll try to talk some sense into her then after this mission. I don't want my crew to hate each other when this is all over. For now, let's focus on this mission." Shepard remarked.

Shepard drove the Mako up to the hangar doors of the Normandy. "Joker, open it up." Shepard radioed to him. The hangar door slowly started to open up, and everyone peered to the windshield to see the windy atmosphere. "You've all ridden a roller coaster before right?" Everyone looked at Shepard confused except Deadpool who raised his hand.

"Oh, goodie! I love me some roller coasters! They cause me headaches, nausea and all sorts of good things!" Deadpool exclaimed.

Everyone in the mako adjusted there seatbelts to prepare for the worst except Wrex who was too bulky to wear those belts and instead held onto a metal bar that was on the ceiling of the mako. The hangar door finally opened, and Shepard floored it out of the Normandy.

The second the Mako flew out of the Normandy everyone had a gut-wrenching feeling. Tali squealed as the wrenching feeling began to get worser and worser. Deadpool listened to her adorable voice while sitting next to her as she screamed and he patted her on the shoulder as a reminder that this would all be over within the next couple of seconds. Deadpool did indeed feel the wrenching feeling, but it didn't bother him as he had done this exact thing in a different ship named the Blackbird.

As the mako kept plummeting, they were finally nearing the ground and Shepard engaged the thrusters which made the Mako gently descend to the surface of Therum. Tali's squealing finally stopped and turned into deep breaths as she looked next to her to see Deadpool casually reloading his Desert Eagles.

"Well, I hope you guys have enjoyed your flight on American Airlines, please keep your seatbelts on as we're about to make a detour through the extraordinary red rock mountains," Shepard spoke in a pilot voice.

"Jesus Christ I gotta get the fuck outta here. My Commander has turned into Khalid al-Mihdhar." Deadpool uttered.

"Who the hell is that?" Wrex asked.

"None of your business fatass. Besides a quick extranet search should do the trick."

"Why you little pyj-" Wrex was interrupted as the Mako hit a bump and his head jolted upwards leaving a dent in the Mako's roof.

"Uh, sorry we're experiencing some turbulence..." Shepard said once again in a pilot voice.

 **"Ugh... enough of this talking shit. Fast forward to the real action!"**

* * *

 **Fastforwarding...**

* * *

After a few minutes of traveling the barren landscape, they finally ran into some trouble. Shepard looked ahead and saw a group of Geth Troopers and a Geth Armature patrolling the area. He backed up the Mako until they were out of sight and looked back at the crew deciding which person should handle the Mako's weapons.

"Garrus, get on the turret and prepare to fire at some geth," Shepard ordered, and Garrus nodded then proceeded to climb up into the turret.

"Shepard, Just to let you know attacking a Geth Armature head-on isn't a good idea because of the geth's shielding capability," Tali stated.

"That's why Garrus is gonna fire the cannon from a distance," Shepard said as he slowly drove the Mako forward just enough so that the geth were in sight.

"Fire," Shepard ordered, and Garrus opened fire at the geth troopers blowing them to pieces and continued firing at the Armature which still stood.

The Armature was able to turn its head and fire once at the Mako before it collapsed from system failure. The energy shot hit and rocked the Mako while everyone was in the passenger seats chilling out.

"Wow, never thought you were such the tactical type Shepard, I thought you might be the guy who just charges his problems head-on," Garrus said.

"That's what years of military training taught me," Shepard replied and continued driving through the wasteland.

The mako navigated through the bumpy terrain and passed by some lava lakes for half an hour while also running into some geth which they easily defeated until they reached a large tunnel leading to another area and they had to stop in place after seeing such a massive geth unit up ahead.

"Keelah, that's… that's a Geth Colossus!" Tali said as she peered out through the windshield.

 **"Colossus? You mean that commie motherfucker you bitch-slapped years ago?"**

 _ **"Let's try not to bring up the past in this situation, please?"**_

"Alright, guys! I got this shit! wait here!" Deadpool shouted as he opened the door to the Mako and ran out.

Shepard unbuckled his seatbelt and attempted to run out after Deadpool, but Wrex pulled up his arm stopping Shepard.

"Leave him," Wrex said.

"Wrex, I'm ordering you to let me go," Shepard responded.

"Relax... he said he got it,"

Deadpool sprinted and dived for cover behind a boulder to avoid getting spotted by the massive geth unit.

"Alright, guys what the fuck do I do?" Deadpool questioned as he took a quick peek to see the Colossus.

 **"I thought you knew what you were doing!"**

 _ **"I thought so too."**_

"Fuck no I don't. I'm just trying to impress Ta- I mean the whole crew."

 ** _"Uh-huh, well it seems you're outta luck. I haven't fought anything like that in over 100 years."_**

 **"Well, I say just charge the big bastard head on!"**

"You guys think I'm that dumb? that thing will fucking pulverize my asshole."

 ** _"Figure it out yourself then, if you're not dumb."_**

"You guys are terrible life coaches. Utter shite. Once again I gotta do this shit by myself."

Deadpool thought for a moment then pressed the button on his teleportation device and appeared right behind the Colossus without it knowing his presence.

 **"Pussssssssyyyyy! Fucking take off the training wheels for once and fight with dignity!"**

"Fuck you, I'm not fighting that goddamn thing, with two Desert Eagles, two katanas, a knife and a sandpaper dildo!" Deadpool shouted.

The Geth Colossus detected his presence once he blurted that out and then slowly began turning around. Deadpool jumped on one of the leg's of the Colossus and started climbing upwards. The Colossus felt his actions and started, flailing it's left leg violently. Deadpool held on tight as he was being flung up, down, left and right through the air.

"Fuck... I'm gonna get sick." He muttered as he put his hand on his mouth covering it.

Out of nowhere, the Mako fired its cannons at the Colossus while it was being distracted by Deadpool. The Colossus turned its head slowly to fire its pulse cannon at the Mako, but it was too late as it's shielding were weakening from the Mako's firepower. The last hit from the Mako's cannon hit the Colossus in the torso where its central components were, and the Geth Colossus started to spark.

Deadpool jumped off just as the Colossus blew up and the sheer amount of pressure from the shock wave sent Deadpool flying into the air towards the Mako. Everybody witnessed as Deadpool soared through the sky and as he was getting ready to land beside the Mako, his arm naturally ended up extending out to dodge landing on his face and crash-landed on his wrist with a loud snap.

 ** _"God damn that looks bad."_**

 **"Holy shit! Finally, I get to see some blood!"**

"Blood? I don't see any blood."

Immediately Deadpool attempted to lift himself off the ground with his two arms and was met with a terrible ache coming from his left wrist. The pain got worse as he lifted himself up into a push-up position and he looked down to see he had his wrist bone protruding out of him.

"Ah, shit... looks like I won't be rubbing the one-eyed snake tonight."

Deadpool thought to himself what the crew would do if they saw him in this state. He assumed they would probably send him back to the Normandy if they saw him in such a state and he wasn't with getting sent back to the Normandy without killing something.

 **"So... What no-"**

His inner voice was interrupted when Deadpool started to forcefully attempt to push back the fractured bone into its previous position. He groaned as the bone was slowly being forced back into its original position while it spurted out blood in the process.

 _ **"Are you sure you know what you're doing? "**_

"Don't underestimate my medical expertise. I took Anatomy Class in high school."

 _ **"And when was that?"**_

"Somewhere around two hundred years ago," Deadpool answered as he finished pushing the bone back in, making a sickening crunching sound.

Once Deadpool was done, Shepard and the crew exited out the Mako to check if Deadpool still in one piece. They came out to a literal bloodbath as everything around Deadpool was covered in his blood.

"God damn." Deadpool pretended to wipe off sweat from his forehead. "That was one hell of a workout." Deadpool turned around to face the squad.

Everyone's eyes drifted towards Deadpool's deformed and mutilated arm which he certainly did not do a great job of setting it back in place. He did the exact opposite of that by instead making it worse than it already had been two minutes ago.

"Deadpool... are you okay?" Shepard asked walking up to him.

"Keelah..." Tali muttered.

"Oh ya I'm perfectly fine. Never been better." Deadpool said as he flopped his disfigured arm around.

"Jesus Christ... Le-let me help you with that." Shepard said as he got out some Medi-Gel.

"No way José, I don't need that gooey ass shit."

"At least he acts like a krogan," Wrex uttered.

"What do you mean you don't need it? Your entire arm looks fucked." Shepard attempted to place some Medi-Gel on it, but Deadpool pushed him back.

"I'm fine. Leave me be."

Shepard eyed him down for a moment before throwing his hands up in the air and walked back to the Mako entrance. "You're fucking insane if you truly think that will heal up. But I won't budge along as you don't come complaining to me later that your arm hurts." He said as he got back into the Mako.

Everyone else was still outside as Shepard went in and they all kept staring at Deadpool. He strolled up to the group of three to tap both Garrus and Wrex on their noses and with Tali he carefully knocked on her visor then went inside the Mako.

"Spirits... We got a psychopath on our crew." Garrus uttered after Deadpool got inside.

"Tell me about it," Wrex replied.

"I wonder why he make jokes even if he's hurt?" Tali wondered.

* * *

 **Later on...**

* * *

After a while of traveling through tunnels and a few instances of killing some Geth Troopers, they finally had to abandon the Mako. The Mako came to a stop directly in front of two giant boulders leaving only a small pathway to the mining facility. Shepard got out of his seat and motioned everyone to follow him outside.

"Alright, the mining facility is just up ahead. Stay close and look out for any geth lurking around," Shepard said as he unholstered his assault rifle.

They made their way through the valley and occasionally killed some Geth Troopers. The troopers were no problem to them as they had created a one-two punch with Tali's ability to hack and stun them as the rest of the crew mowed them down.

And after a while of killing, they finally made it through the valley to the mining facility but had to take cover quickly as they turned the corner to see a Geth Armature guarding the entrance of the facility.

"Guys once again let me handle this," Deadpool said.

"Are you seriously fucking insane or are you on crack? you're severely injured, and you want to fight that thing alone?" Shepard turned to say that directly at Deadpool.

"This universe is a democracy, right?" Deadpool asked. "If so... I wanna hear everyone's opinion on the matter before you decide to treat me like the world's weakest man ."

Everyone looked at him confused except Shepard who just shook his head and facepalmed.

"Jesus Christ do you guys not have a government up in space?" Deadpool questioned the three aliens.

"We do. But it's not called whatever you said." Wrex replied.

"Alright well let me explain it to you like I would tell it to a man that just drank ten barrels of alcohol."

"Garrus. Stay behind and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid." Shepard ordered, and the group of three ran down the valley towards the facility then dived for cover as the Geth Armature started to shoot at them.

"Seriously guys! you're all amateurs, and you're letting me, the guy that's an expert at killing shit stay behind with three-eyes over here!?" Deadpool shouted.

"You heard what he said. Stay down." Garrus uttered.

"Alright, fine then I will, and let's see how well they do without me."

Meanwhile at the mining facility.

"Get down!" Shepard tackled Tali to the ground as a beam from the Armature headed her way. It hit the ground and exploded sending red dirt all over them while Wrex was picking off some Geth Troopers advancing on their position.

Shepard practically laid on top of Tali after tackling her, and she blushed under her visor.

"Are you okay? Are you hurt?" Shepard asked getting off her.

"I-I'm fine," Tali replied in a terrified tone.

"Shepard. Less talking more shooting, I can't handle these guys on my own." Wrex uttered.

Shepard nodded to him and crouched behind the crates they were currently using to take cover. Shepard thought how he couldn't have seen the ambush coming. Once they departed from Deadpool and Garrus to take out the Armature with Tali's hacking ability, they became ambushed by ten or more Geth units that stepped out of cover probably waiting for them to arrive. He repeatedly called himself an idiot in his mind for not seeing it coming.

They all ducked as a barrage of bullets from the ten Geth Troopers darted all around there cover.

"Shepard what do we do!?" Tali asked loudly because of the deafening pew sound coming from the geth weaponry.

"I don't know!" Shepard said as he blind fired over the cover using his assault rifle.

He blind-fired at the geth a couple more times until one of Geth Troopers landed a shot on his hand, and he immediately flicked his hand back at the sudden burning feeling.

"Shit..." Shepard groaned while grasping his hand with the drill bit sized bullet hole.

Tali noticed this and came over to apply Medi-Gel on both sides of his hand. The Medi-Gel slowly reformed the missing flesh in Shepard's bullet hole sort of how Deadpool would regenerate but way slower.

"Thanks..." Shepard clenched his teeth in pain and breathed. "Tali."

"You're welc-" Tali shrieked as a Geth Hopper pounced on her and a metal blade extended out of its hand getting ready to pierce Tali's visor.

Wrex reacted to this and withdrew his shotgun quickly. He aimed it high above Tali so the shotgun pellets wouldn't hit her and he fired turning the Geth Hopper into pieces.

Shepard grabbed Tali and pulled her back to the cover.

"Shepard I think now it's a good time to contact Garrus and the annoying fucker," Wrex suggested.

Shepard nodded and put a hand to his ear. "Garrus? Are you there?" There was no reply.

"Shit! They must be jamming our earpieces!"

* * *

 **Back At The Valley...**

* * *

"So…. you got any crazy sex stories?" Deadpool asked Garrus.

"Unfortunately… no, I don't."

"Heh, me neither." Deadpool lied.

Garrus sighed. "I don't think I'm good enough for any woman out there. too much going on in my life plus I sometimes think women will stray away from me because of my looks."

Ehh don't be too hard on yourself you could look worse. Like me." Deadpool whispered that last bit to himself.

"What'd you say?" Garrus responded.

"Nothing. Anyways don't be too hard on yourself, women don't care about looks. Unless you look like some homeless fuck that just got his teeth punched out. But that's not the point, the point is, most of them care about what's inside" He pointed to his heart and head.

"And let me tell you... love is a beautiful thing, and once you find it which I'm sure you will. The whole world ends up tasting like Daffodil Daydream. So you gotta hold onto love. Tight! And never let go. Don't make the same stupid mistakes I did or else the whole world will smell like, Honey-Boo-Boo after hot yoga."

"I don't even know who that is..." Garrus replied.

"Well, that's great because you shouldn't."

Suddenly In the background, a loud explosion was heard. At the same time, the two flicked heads towards the mining facility.

"Shit... Shepard's probably in trouble. Stay right here I'm gonna see if I can snipe some geth down for them."

Garrus unholstered his sniper rifle and sprinted towards a sensible spot to set up his bipod. He went prone and went to work on sniping some geth. He saw a Geth Rocket Trooper which he assumed was the one that caused the explosion earlier and blew its head off. He cocked his sniper back and was about to shoot a Geth Trooper advancing on Shepard's position but before he could do that Deadpool stepped into his sights as he was sprinting towards the facility.

"What are you doing!" Garrus shouted to him.

"Going to help Shepard? What the fuck do you think I'm doing!? Deadpool shouted back while he was running.

The geth immediately spotted him once he made it close to Shepard's position. Five of the ten Geth focused on Deadpool, and the five machines all started unloading at him with their rapid-fire machine-guns. Deadpool just kept running as he bobbed and weaved through no man's land, with bullets barely missing his head. He dived towards the crate the squad was taking cover behind and scooted next to Shepard.

"How are you holding up?" Deadpool asked as he pulled out his Desert Eagle and reloaded it.

"Other than getting shot through my hand. I'm doing fine. You?" Shepard replied.

"Oh, I'm feeling fantastic! I'm about to kill some robocops for the first time in my entire career!"

"Yeah but what about the gigantic one shooting fucking lasers at us? You won't be able to kill that with a Desert Eagle."

"Well, I don't know. Lemme ask my brothers first."

 **"I got nothing!"**

 _ **"Here's an idea. Maybe you could use some squirt-guns and try to fry those sons a bitches."**_

"Hmm... that does sound like a good idea. But I got one that involves explosions."

"What do you have in mind?" Shepard asked.

"You got any grenades?"

"Yeah… Why?" Shepard responded anxiously.

"Cause I'm about to go full on I Am Legend Will Smith style. Except, without the dying."

Shepard sighed. "I can't believe I'm doing this." He pulled two grenades out of a pouch attached to his armor.

"Only two!? Wow, way to go cheapskate."

"Don't get yourself killed," Shepard said as he plopped the grenades down in Deadpool's hand.

"Hey. Do you mind if you provide me some covering fire!?" Deadpool requested as gunfire was still in full effect in the background.

"I don't mind." Shepard then turned to give orders to Tali and Wrex. "Guys! I'm gonna need you to provide covering fire for Deadpool because he's about to do something stupid!" Shepard yelled.

"Will do!" Wrex replied.

"What is he getting himself into this time!?" Tali uttered.

"You'll see," Shepard responded.

Deadpool rummaged through his pockets and got out some pipe cleaners and began tying the two grenades together in a bundle.

 **"Who the fuck brings pipe cleaners on missions like these?"**

 _ **"I don't think we need to explain this to the audience."**_

Deadpool vaulted up out of cover from the crate and dived off landing in a combat roll. He got out his Desert Eagle and blasted a few geth in front of him then sprinted towards the Armature. He got about half-way before his crew had to stop giving him covering fire because they were taking too much fire themselves. All of the Geth focused their attention on Deadpool and Deadpool could hear the shots whizzing right by his head as he ran then The Geth Armature shot its beam of energy at Deadpool and the blast radius knocked him to the ground.

The shock wave knocked him closer to the Geth Armature, and when he looked up, he saw a giant metal appendage coming straight down to his face. He rolled a few times to the side, and the giant leg of the Armature missed Deadpool's skull. He quickly got back up and leaped onto the Geth armature, grenade bundle in hand. He pulled out some tape and taped the grenade bundle on the Geth Armature's body then pulled the pin.

"I never heard anyone say this, so I'm gonna be the first one too ever say it... I love Michael Bay!" Deadpool said as he backflipped off the Geth Armature landing on his face in the ground.

A moment of gunshots and abruptly a thunderous sound of an explosion followed after Deadpool's face planting. The illumination that came from the blast lit up the entire area, and the crew that was providing Deadpool covering fire ducked quickly to avoid blindness. Once the bright light was gone Shepard, Tali and Wrex came out to mow down the remaining Geth Troopers that were still focusing their attention on Deadpool.

Once every Geth Trooper fell, the group ran over to Deadpool to see him still in his face planted state. Shepard crouched down next to Deadpool's body and began tapping on his back.

"Are you good?" Shepard said while tapping his back.

"I'm fine," Deadpool said with a muffled voice.

"What was that?" Shepard replied.

"I'm fine!" Deadpool said louder but still muffled.

Shepard couldn't hear him and decided to pull out his pistol so he could pistol-whip him in the back. He whipped him and immediately Deadpool flinched out of his faceplanted position.

Deadpool groaned. "What the fuck was that for!" He said as he felt his back in pain.

"Get the hell up." Shepard grabbed him by the shoulders and helped him up.

"I commend you for saving our lives but," Shepard pistol-whipped him once again knocking him to the ground. "If you don't follow orders next time I'm gonna have to let you off the crew, and you won't get your credits," Shepard said aggravated.

"Why the fuck do you care if I don't follow orders? I saved your life didn't I?"

"You could have died going out there alone. You were lucky enough that you didn't get shot down as you rushed toward the Armature."

"Awww, Shepard cares about my well-being. How sweet." Deadpool said like if he was talking to a puppy.

"Of course I do... I can't lose another member of my squad."

"What do you mean by another?" Tali asked.

Shepard thought in his mind if he should tell the story of his dark past with his old crew. "Uhh, it's nothing. Anyways we need to get to that asari. And also by the way, where's Garrus?"

"Right here Shepard," Garrus uttered, and everyone turned around to see him.

"Thank god you guys are alive spirit knows what'd I do if you guys weren't," Garrus said in relief.

"Good to have you with us again Garrus." Shepard went up and patted Garrus on the shoulder.

"Now let's go get that asari."

Everyone followed Shepard up a ramp that led to the entrance of a long tunnel that looked like it was dug up by a Tunnel Boring machine.

"Dilly Dilly! To the pit of misery!" Deadpool yelled as he charged down the tunnel without the group.

Shepard glanced at everyone. "Well, you heard him." The four started going down together walking at a slow pace even though Deadpool was way ahead.

* * *

One Long Ass Tunnel Later...

* * *

The group advanced down the tunnel for a while before taking an elevator down into a mine. Once they got out the group was met with an asari trapped inside a blue sphere frozen in position behind a blue barrier. The group contemplated for a moment if this was a trap or not, but soon that thought was debunked as the asari began to plea for help.

"You! Can you hear me out there? I've been in this prothean security device for ages. Please, can you help me?!" The asari begged.

"Do you happen to be the daughter of a matriarch who is working with Saren?" Shepard questioned.

"Yes! Yes, I am. My name is, Liara T'soni, I'm a prothean archaeologist. Now can you please let me out?

"Yes, we'll get you out there, don't worry just hang tight," Shepard replied.

"Thank the Goddess! I did not think anyone would save me." Liara uttered in relief.

"So how'd you get in here anyway?" Shepard asked as he looked a for a button or something to disable the barrier.

"I came here in search for prothean ruins. When the geth showed up I activated my defense system, but I wasn't aware that the barriers seem to operate as a trap, and it suspended me in the air which made me confined in this blue orb, unable to move."

 _ **"Seems legit."**_

"Do you know how we can get you out of here? I can't seem to find a switch or anything out here."

"I'm afraid the only way you can release me is to come from the backside of the barrier, and there is a terminal that can disable the barrier."

"Alright, don't freak out if we don't come back for a few minutes ok? We're just gonna look for a way to get to that terminal." Shepard motioned the group to follow him deeper into the mine.

"'Wait! Be careful there is a krogan working with the geth. They went out a couple of hours ago to find a different route to the terminal."

"Noted."

The group made there way deeper into the mine and ran into a couple of Geth Troopers but mowed them down with ease. After mowing down the geth, they ran into a dead end, and Shepard ordered everyone to split up and find a way to get behind Liara's chamber.

Deadpool and Wrex out of all the other duo's went together to try to find a way. Deadpool came across some crates of goods that were abandoned here by the people who dug this place up. Wrex watched and muttered krogan profanities to him as Deadpool fished through the boxes for useful stuff.

The other trio of people went out on an expedition that was productive unlike Deadpool and Wrex's. Garrus and Shepard observed the whole place looking for an opening they could blow up to get to the other side while Tali looked around and eventually found an inactive mining laser.

"Shepard maybe this mining laser could do the trick," Tali called over to Shepard still observing the whole place.

"Yeah, go ahead and try it," He replied not paying attention to a word Tali said.

Tali opened her Omni-Tool then attempted to activate the laser, but she was locked out. She bent over down to the control board located on the side of the laser and began hacking into the functions. While that was happening Wrex and Deadpool made their way towards Tali's position. Deadpool froze in place behind Tali as she was hacking and stared at her magnificent rear. She was practically mooning him because of the tight suit she was wearing that showed all of her curves.

 **"Holy fucking ass!"**

 ** _"Slap it, slap it, slap it, slap it, slap it, you know you want to."_**

Wrex stood beside Deadpool as he stared at Tali. "Filthy pyjak…" Wrex muttered.

Suddenly a laser fired and Deadpool snapped back to reality. He looked over to see a crater formed below Liara's trapped state. Shepard and Garrus jogged over after hearing the loud laser beam sound.

"Well that was convenient, I wonder who put that there..." Deadpool said as he looked up at the mining laser.

 ** _"The people that worked here before placed that here. Besides who else could place it there? An outside source?"_**

"God damn Tali!" Deadpool walked over to her. "I didn't know you had Cyclop's powers!"

"Thanks... I guess." Tali replied with confusion.

"Great job looking out Tali," Shepard commented.

"Thank you, Shepard."

"You're welcome. Now let's get that asari out of here."

They all jumped down the hole and saw an elevator. The group proceeded to step on the platform and Shepard pressed the button to go up to Liara's level. A few seconds later they arrived behind Liara. The group walked up behind Liara still in her frozen stance and made her aware of their presence.

"How? How did you get in here?" She questioned.

"Simple. My quarian friend here used a mining laser that was aimed directly below your position." Shepard replied.

"Ah, yes that makes sense. I forgot that was even there…"

Shepard went over to the terminal and pressed the button on it to release Liara. The bubble that surrounded the scientist slowly diminished and Shepard stood under it to catch her. Her whole body rested in Shepard's arms for a few seconds before he gently lowered her to the ground. Immediately after putting her down Wrex pulled out his shotgun and aimed it at the asari.

"Shepard, how do you know she's not working with Saren? She could pretty much betray us behind our backs and kill us by using her biotics." Wrex said aiming at the asari.

"I am not working with Saren! I don't want to have anything to do with that turian bastard! I don't even know why Benezia joined him!" Liara shouted.

"That doesn't mean shit. You could be lying to our faces right now." Wrex interjected.

"She's telling the truth Wrex! Why would the geth try to kill her!?" Shepard stated.

Wrex thought for a moment and lowered his shotgun. "Hmph, fine but she tries anything I'm blasting her head off."

"Thank you, Shepard," Liara said.

"No problem. Now how do we get out of here?"

Liara pointed behind Shepard. "The elevator should take us back to the surface."

"Alright team, Let's move out." Shepard motioned everyone to the elevator.

They all stepped onto the elevator and just as Shepard pressed the button to the top floor the ground started to shake violently.

"What the shit is going on?" Deadpool blurted out as the ground was shaking.

 **"Colossus farted."**

"The mining laser must have triggered a seismic event. We have to get out of here fast." Liara explained.

Shepard then moved a hand to his ear. "Joker! Get the Normandy airborne and get to our position fast! The whole place is collapsing."

"Aye, aye commander. ETA eight minutes."

The elevator continued it's slow pace up to the surface. Everybody was on edge as the place continued to shake more and more as the elevator rose except Deadpool who honestly didn't care if he died as he's been wanting to end his life for almost a whole two centuries. Everyone was in the moment they had forgotten the information Liara had given them earlier. They finally reached the top level, and the group got off the elevator then just as they were heading to the exit a krogan grouped with a bunch of geth stopped them dead in their tracks.

"Two humans, a quarian, a turian, the asari, and a dishonorable krogan, lovely. Now surrender or don't, because I'd love to have a battle." The krogan stated.

"A dishonorable krogan? Hah! You're a pawn working for a rogue Spectre. You are the dishonorable one!" Wrex exclaimed.

Shepard then whispered to the group. "Someone create a distraction so we can get our weapons."

"I got this shit once again," Deadpool whispered back and stepped forward to the krogan.

"Hey, you big faced cock-gobbler! You do realize if we all don't get out of this area soon we're all gonna be turned into fucking meaty pancakes!"

"I'm sorry, but this is the end of the line pyjak." The krogan then grabbed Deadpool's broken wrist and tossed him away to the side.

The distraction was good enough and soon as the krogan did that everyone in the group unholstered their weapons quickly. They fired rounds upon rounds at the krogan and geth. Blood from the krogan and metal pieces from the geth flew everywhere as the crew continued shooting their whole clip into the group. And finally, everyone's guns clicked indicating they were out of ammo as the krogan fell backward landing on the ground with a loud thud.

The ground started shaking again as they reloaded their weapons and pieces of debris began falling everywhere. Tali and Garrus rushed over to help up the red-suited man that got thrown down. They both wrapped his arms around their necks with Garrus taking the severely disfigured arm because Tali didn't want blood on her suit and carried him towards the exit.

"Move it, people! Move it!" Shepard gestured with his arm.

Everyone ran together to the exit with Shepard behind Garrus and Tali helping to push Deadpool. They all made it through the entrance and ran down the ramp quickly entering the Normandy's hangar.

"Get us out of here now!" Shepard radioed Joker.

The Normandy went airborne as the hangar bay was still closing and everybody saw as the mining facility they were just exploded like a nuclear bomb leaving everything that was down at the surface covered in flames.

 **"Michael BAY!"**

* * *

 **A/N:** I'd like to apologize for making this abominable snowman of a chapter. I honestly had a lot more shit cut in this chapter than I thought I would have. If not for the cut shit, this chapter could have surpassed 15,000 words which is insane. The part one of my origin stories was around 5,000 words before I shortened it. And I did that because the previous backstory that I made for Wade was too dark, so I toned it down to make it sound more realistic. So yeah, that's it. Chapter 3 of this story. It's not that good. Cya.


End file.
